Sunday, May 18, 2008

Kidney Stones Suck!

I have racked my brain for the last 18 or so years to figure out what I could have done to be cursed with kidney stones. Oh sure, I have definitely done my fair share of naughty things, but for those of you that have had the experience of a kidney stone, I would have had to have destroyed a civilization to have been cursed with the amount of "stones" I have brought into this world.

It all started when Tyler and I were bachelors. We hadn't met Kelli yet and it was the summer of 1988. Tyler was not feeling well, he had a problem with his eyes and ears that caused him to get high fevers. So I was nursing him along and my back was killing me. I was trying to think of when I could have pulled it and why was it hurting so bad.I didn't know what was going on.  Well by midnight I was crawling around on the floor because I could not stand. Tyler was crying, I was crying, not a pretty picture at the Huntsman bachelor pad. What had I done to my back. And then a miracle, a half hour later no pain. I'm healed!
Well for those of you who have had a kidney stone know, I was not healed. It was phase 1 of the "journey". The stone at fought it's way out of the kidney and was now pleasantly floating in my bladder. The fun had only begun. 
Phase 2 began at 5;30am with a bathroom call. Man I had to go! And who had kicked me in the crotch? Well not only could I not go, what little did come out felt like hot lava! What the heck was going on? I had to get to a doctor, something was broken and I was losing my mind. Luckily Tyler felt a little better even if dad felt worse. So me and Tyler called in every favor we had and get a doctors appointment for 10:00 am. The question being could I make it to 10:00 am? I must have tried to go to the bathroom 50 times and all that came out was tears. Help me!
We get to the doctor and we get a "two-for-one", the doctor sees Tyler for his ears and me for my "whatever was going on". This is where it gets funny. Dr. Kilpatrick comes into the room and says "You have a kidney stone" and I say "Why?"  and he says "People just get them and it's hard to say why." so I say "OK, glad we found mine" and he says "OK" We stare at each other for a long time and he says "OK then" and I say " So when do you take it out?" and he says "Take it out of where?" "Out of me" I say. We stare at each other for a long time again. I'm in a lot of pain and not thinking too clearly. He stands and comes to me and puts his hand on my shoulder and speaks the words I will never forget "You pass it" With a shaky voice I say "How do you pass it?" and all he does is squeeze my shoulder. His next words were "What would you like for the pain." Two hours later on wobbly knees in my bathroom I was holding, in my newly purchased "strainer cup", the littlest freakin' thing you ever saw. I thought it would be golf ball size. It was smaller than a BB, but upon closer examination it did have barbs, but still. That much pain and such a little thing.
Well that was only the beginning. I am a veritable kidney stone factory. I have given birth to over 10 stones and counting. One so big it had to be pulverized by sound waves just so I could have the joy of passing all the little fragments that a 9 millimeter stone produces. Do you know how big 9 mil. is? That is the size of a 10 karat diamond for you ladies who like jewelry. That stone was so bad that before it got pulverized I found myself in my backyard at 2:30 in the morning willing to make a pact with the "devil" just to get it out of me. I was delirious.
So on Saturday my back starts to hurt and I have become an expert on the symptoms and phases of a kidney stone. I know the drill. I am am typing this between phases. I am appreciating the break, but know the worst is yet to come.
See ya on the other side.


steve said...


that sucks. i had to have my gall bladder our for gall stones. i thought i was dying. it took them 4 months to diagnose because i am not "40, fat, or fertile". gall stones don't pass either, they just attempt to pass, then back off after a few hours. excruciating pain. i feel for you brother. too bad you can't have kidneys taken out like gall bladders. new firm name is truman and associates.


Kathy's Boys said...

Mooch I feel for you too! I've had 4 boys!!!! OK, we
won't compare... but I have heard that Diet Coke
and NO Water can cause them. Good Luck with
that! Feel better.

Keith A. Runyon said...


OUCH!! You and those damn kidney stones. Too much concrete dust? I did like the picture of you biting on the pencil though. If you need to "bite the bullet" next time, call me and I will bring down a 50 caliber "tank buster." I have about 500 of those so that should get your through the next few years. It just looks tougher than a pencil you know?
Hope you pass that sucker fast.

Mady said...

Suck is a mean word. It is not nice to say so the next time I get in trouble for saying suck I will refer back to this. I don't know who you are Steve but don't encourage LOL!


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